So I’m doing a month of sobriety. I’m a substance abuser, which to me means I have a relationship with substances that often harms me, but I still use them. I practice harm reduction, which usually looks like attempts to cut down the amount and frequency of my use. But every now and then my relationship with substances feels entirely toxic, and I recognize the need to put on the breaks. Sometimes I can collect the energy and power within myself to stop using, November 2021 is one of those times. I want to celebrate the fact that for this period of time, I could dedicate myself to saying no, because I can’t always do it. I can’t explain why I said no this month, I’ve had months when I needed it more. The last time I did a month of sobriety was in February of 2021, in reaction to some pretty heavy use over the holiday season & January blues. I celebrated the completion of that month with a bar crawl though, so we’ll find out how this one goes! 

A month of sobriety is a big change for a substance abuser. Going from reliable daily use to nothing, you’d expect I would experience some whiplash. I’m a little surprised though, it didn’t feel difficult to initiate and maintain this transition. First week cravings were rough, but I never felt in danger of slipping. The triggers are still there – liquor in the house, friends offering me drinks, the smell of weed or cigarettes. I considered reducing my exposure to these triggers, but it seemed against the point to remove the temptations. With my committed time to this being a month long, I don’t necessarily have to worry about my will being slowly eroded or undermined. If I were engaging in some more long-term abstinence, maybe that would change. Integrity of a decision like this makes me happy that I can maintain a stop if I want to, but there is a little part of my mind counting down the 30 days. It’s an arbitrary boundary I’ve created for myself, and once that passes, I can either re-commit, or slide back into homeostatic use. By this I mean using enough to satisfy, but not enough to have massive negative health effects or life repercussions. This is not an easy balance to strike, and often has consequences, because I slip, misjudge, and fuck up.  

What I found initially surprising was the internal habits that pull me toward use. My body has a built-in alarm clock that goes off around 6-8pm every day to remind me that I should start blending whatever activity follows with some kind of substance. I’ve had to begrudgingly smash that alarm clock over and over again without the release or payoff. Today is day 26, and I’m in a totally different rhythm – my habits and routines have adjusted. The biggest effect I can see is in my social life. The way people interact with me has definitely changed. I’ve used so intensely and so often, people don’t think twice when offering me substances, and react surprised when I reject them. This shows me how substance use is something that is woven into my personhood, both internally and externally. As well, there seems to be this societal standard of assuming people are down with alcohol, they expect it. I went to a party last night, and endured what felt like an interrogation from a guy who just didn’t get that I wasn’t drinking. He seemed to need a strong justification or reason for me to be excused from this obligation. So yeah, shit like that you know? The aforementioned February of sobriety I did was deep in a pandemic lockdown, so I had the joy of far fewer social explanations for what I was doing. Bars weren’t open, and access to substances was significantly lower. One more thing – I’m definitely hanging with a different crowd when not using, which makes me evaluate how much some friendships are defined by a joint love for substances. It’s crazy to think how some connections can be contingent on such material things. 

I’m feeling pressure to utilize this temporary moment of clarity. I have this sense of foreboding, that I’m running out of time & moving towards an inevitable outcome. I have 4-5 days to figure out what this relationship will look like in the future. I wish I knew what the correct next step was, I wish there was an easy path. I believe there is a way to strike a balance, but I’m scared. What if nothing changes, and this month was an anomaly in a life of misuse? But I have hope too.  Distance from relationships gives us untold perspectives on how they affect us, and every time I distance myself from substances, the lines between use and abuse grow bolder. As I explore recovery I find new ways to challenge my use and break from bonds of regularity. Time will tell if I can ride that line, and if it’s the alternative, I’ll see you for another sober January!